When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My blood type is coffee.