I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
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Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.