Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
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Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Whoa 😂
File under excellent bookstore names.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.