Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
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My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.