Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
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Twitter remains undefeated
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”