Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
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I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.