He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
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“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
gm
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Something Saturday.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”