Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
You Might Also Like
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.