Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
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One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
IT’S-A ME,
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.