Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
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[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I laughed at this way too hard.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
The devil.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.