I laughed at this way too hard.
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After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.