There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
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Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Probably my best painting.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Lmaoo 😂
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.