Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
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Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous