Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me