@longwall26

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

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@SondraDeeMe

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

@CAshmanActor

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

@notalogin

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

@E_lok44

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

@smithsara79

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

@behindyourback

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

@Midgetspar

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

@imdaintyaf

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

@ArfMeasures

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

@kenradio

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..