Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
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One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Mornin
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*