Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.