Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
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My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.