Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
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Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.