@BriarSlyMalice

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

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@champagngetaway

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

@mommajessiec

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

@calluptome

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

@cocainepoops

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

@mattZillaaaa

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

@kolchak

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

@LindaInDisguise

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

@caseytduncan

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

@PeaceInTruth1

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*