Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
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I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.