Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

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Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.


“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo


We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.


girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while


Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa


Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.


After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.


The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.


For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*