If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
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I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Sign at work today
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.