[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
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Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.