I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
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Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.