Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
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Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
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Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break