Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
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I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
FRED: right
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?