@JasonLastname

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

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@primawesome

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

@thatdutchperson

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

@3sunzzz

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

@PaperWash

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

@AimeeHelene1

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

@JermHimselfish

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

@SketchesbyBoze

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

@ilovepie84

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

@bossy_bootz

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher