Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

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I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.


[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.


Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?


before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted


Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)


I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.


the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook


I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.


Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher