Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
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Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.