How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
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What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
X-tra spooky blend
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Put this video in the Louvre
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.