Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
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Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.