Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
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I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.