very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
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[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”