Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
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Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order