“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
You Might Also Like
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Chemical wingman
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
This fish is cracking me up
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes