So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
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[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
🐕🍷
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
thank god
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha