My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
You Might Also Like
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.