“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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Well, that didn’t work.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
God has left this place
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*