“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
When your man makes a valid point
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.