“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”