This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Monday Lisa
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.