This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
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Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Worst perfume name ever.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb