I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
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I just love that new Pope smell.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.