Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
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Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread