*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
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Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now