Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.