*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

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SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that


9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?


me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home


Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.


I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)


A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”