Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
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“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.