boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
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Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end