friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
never compromise your values
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.