Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
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Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Love this guy
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.