@StinkyGr33n

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

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@egg_dog

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

@generaldietz

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

@AllanForsyth

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

@seanforhire

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

@Home_Halfway

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

@sofarrsogud

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

@IvoryGazelle

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

@Token_Geezer

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single