I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
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[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?