Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
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Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.