Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
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I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
what it’s like dating me:
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
This was my dad’s browser history.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
“TGIM!” – My liver
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.