@Blondiethegood

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

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@MisterBombay

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

@PaulyPeligroso

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

@MrFornicator

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

@Playing_Dad

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

@TitansHomer

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

@Havish_AF

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

@sixthformpoet

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait