There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
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Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
They’re not wrong
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.