I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
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GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
How do you milk an almond?
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
how it started vs how it ended
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you