People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
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[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.