While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
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“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??