If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Children of the corn 🌽
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Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
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In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
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Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
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[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray