If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
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The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*