Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
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Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.