how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.