hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
You Might Also Like
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Strange
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.