Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”