*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
What if all the cashiers are married?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.