*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
What if all the cashiers are married?
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Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
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I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
3 day weekend: *exists*
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Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
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me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.