*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
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My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
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Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
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My relationship with tea has always been strained.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
(True)
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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
The “baby” on the left….
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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14