*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
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Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
mom had nothing to worry about
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)